It has been 6 months since I last held my baby girl, Eden Grace; she was already with Jesus when I met her. I’ve been on a journey of healing and growing each day since she passed away. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and see her sweet face in my mind. With every month comes a new level of realization. Each time I get away to be alone with Jesus, to just bring him all of my thoughts and feelings, I always leave with even more understanding and peace.
I write often, but not often do I write about our sweet Eden. Writing about her requires so much from me. But, I’m always willing to do hard things, especially if my story and message helps just one person.
I choose to share this part of my journey to say--God is with us in every season.
I share this particular part of my journey as proof that doing life with Jesus is the best way. It is not a religion. It is not a Sunday morning routine. It is not a memorized prayer. It is a true relationship. And through this relationship and time seeking Him, listening, reading His word, and letting Him guide me, He reveals Himself throughout my life.
I share to show just how personal a relationship with Jesus can be. He wants to be part of every single area of our lives. He wants to show Himself to us all.
I share to shine some light on a different perspective of loss. I hear the questions, “Well, if God is good, why did He allow death? Why doesn’t He always intervene? Why does He heal some and not others?” so often, but for me, instead of needing all of the answers, I choose to have faith in a God I know to be real. A God who is active in my life. A God who never promised a life without hard times, but does promise to comfort and redeem what has been lost. As I tell parts of my healing process and story, I do hope to share the ways in which He has been active in my life and just how much He has come through on His promises to never leave or forsake.
I think about so many people who go through such great loss, but lack Jesus in the midst of it all. I simply can’t imagine relying on time as the only source for healing.
Many people have told me since her passing, “give it time’ or “time will heal you.” To that I say—“No, Time itself isn’t what I’m depending on. Time doesn’t comfort. Time doesn’t speak. Time doesn’t heal. Time doesn’t bring revelation.”
Instead, I rely solely on Jesus, and I focus on the path He has for me. What does this path look like right now? Well, for me it looks like a garden. Let me explain in a moment.
But, before I explain let me first say that I do not believe in coincidence. When things happen that, in the natural seem like a coincidence, I know better than that. I know it was God’s hand.
While I was pregnant with Eden, the Lord so clearly gave me her first and middle name as well as her life scripture.
For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, And her desert like the garden of the Lord; Joy and gladness will be found in it, Thanksgiving and the voice of melody. Isaiah 51:3
To read more on that, feel free to read this post. I cannot say I knew just how significant her life scripture would eventually be to us. This scripture is now a life scripture for my husband and I-- A scripture we can hold on to and be encouraged by. He knows exactly what we need before we ever know. He knew that scripture would bring comfort.
Eden means “delight” and also refers to the Garden of Eden in the Bible. From her nursery, her baby shower, and her memorial service, “garden” has been the theme for all of the decor. Now, within my life since losing her, “garden” remains the theme in different ways.
The Lord continues to speak to me through the significance of her name. The Garden of Eden was a beautiful garden, full of color, flowers, fruits and vegetables and wildlife. It was a place of delight, pleasure and friendship with the Lord. But, most importantly to me, the garden represents new life!
It just so happened (not by coincidence) that Kari Jobe released a song called “The Garden” shortly after Eden’s passing.
I had all But given up Desperate for it A sign from love Something good Something kind Bringing peace to every corner of my mind Then I saw the garden Hope had come to me To sweep away the ashes And wake me from my sleep I realized You never left And for this moment You planned ahead That I would see Your faithfulness in all of the green I can see the ivy Growing through the wall 'Cause You will stop at nothing To heal my broken soul I can see the ivy Reaching through the wall 'Cause You will stop at nothing To heal my broken soul Ohhh Ohh, You're healing broken souls Ohh, You're healing broken souls Faith is rising up like ivy Reaching for the light Hope is stirring deep inside me Making all things right Love is lifting me from sorrow Catching every tear Dispelling every lie and torment Crushing all my fears You crush all my fears You crush all my fears With Your perfect love Ohh-ohhh, with Your perfect love Now I see redemption Growing in the trees The death and resurrection In every single seed.
Oh how I see His faithfulness. I see how He planned ahead for me.
Most importantly this song brought this realization—
It was when I was pregnant with Eden that the idea to blog came to me. So much creativity and vision for my life came during that time. It could have come at any other time in my life, but it came then. (not a coincidence) While pregnant, I began to write, to dream and to take the risk to blog which meant putting myself out there for others to judge my words, my thoughts and even my home and how I design it. Now, after losing Eden, I am filled with desire to encourage and inspire others to live life to the fullest, relying on Jesus in all seasons… the valleys and the mountain tops.
I do not believe she had to die in order for these things to happen, but I do believe that the Lord is making beauty from ashes. He is birthing new things in me, restoring me and redeeming what was lost.
What does the garden mean to me?
New life, fresh vision, increased creativity and passion— the God kind of life we can all experience!
May I inspire you to live in the garden? Where even in death, new and beautiful things come forth. Where relationship with the Lord and tending to what He has given you is the main focus. It really is such a delight.
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